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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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cleto and the cletones. and now, more than likely, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm the host of the program, my name is jimmy. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. that's very nice. and i appreciate it. but you're here on a very special night for someone else. tonight is our very own guillermo's birthday. happy birthday, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: 45 years ago today, a
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mexico and out of his bindle rolled a little mustashioed guillermo. guillermo doesn't know this but i got in touch with his mom and she gave us photographs of you over the years. that's right, let's look at them. all right, guillermo in a baseball uniform. what position did you play, guillermo? >> guillermo: catcher. >> jimmy: oh, nice. i played catcher too. all right. let's keep going. what's going on here? >> guillermo: it was my birthday, me and my grandma. >> jimmy: she has the same birthday? >> guillermo: no, it was my birthday. >> jimmy: i see, okay. this next one is a classic photo. [ cheers and applause ] that's the day his moustache was born. how old were you when you had that moustache? >> guillermo: i think i was 18. >> jimmy: 18? you look like you're 8. this is guillermo and his mom elba.
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christmas tree by the way? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: now this picture is one of my favorites. this is one i've seen before. looks like you guys are up to no good here, huh? are you selling scorpions concert t-shirts? >> guillermo: yeah, to buy beer. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: were those officially licensed t-shirts or no? >> guillermo: no, make. >> jimmy: you had to make them. i believe we have one more. you have to look closely here. guillermo is dressed up. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] why were you dressed as a woman? >> guillermo: i think it was halloween. >> jimmy: oh. i don't think it was halloween. let's look at that again. zoom back over the people dancing. yeah, that's some kind of a hairy-legged sex party going on. maybe that's your quintera, i don't know.
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>> jimmy: your uncle, all right. well, you've come a long way, i will say that. happy birthday. we have something special plan for you so don't feel neglected. did donald trump call you to wish you a happy birthday today? >> guillermo: no! >> jimmy: he did not, another slap in the face. donald trump is refusing to take part in the debate on fox news tomorrow night because megyn kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. this morning he tweeted, i refuse to call megyn kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. instead i will only call her a lightweight reporter. well, that's considerate, at least, right? by the way -- he said that at 5:45 a.m. this is what he woke up thinking. this was in his brain at 5:45 -- you have to hand it to him, trump insults more women by 6:00 a.m. than most people do all year. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the reason that he doesn't like her, he claims that megyn kelly is unfair, which that makes sense.
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history of being unfair to republicans. [ laughter ] when did the republican race for president turn into "the real housewives"? but either way -- i have to believe jeb bush is excited. it's like when the bully stays home sick from school, you get one day of not getting beat up. speaking of staying home that school, this is wcbs new york. they had a reporter in the street talking to people outside braving winter storm jonas. they happened upon a father and son who were on an unusual mission. >> you just came from where? >> from shopping at the only store open on 86th street because my man did so well on his test, he wanted hand lotion, and we went up and got it. but now they're closing. >> you got good marks? and you wanted hand lotion? as good as coal, right? >> yeah. >> want to make sure our hands stay moisturized. >> that's good. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think we need to
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>> you just came from where? >> we just came from shopping at la cetena, the only store open on 86th street. my man here did so well on his test he wanted hand lotion and we got and it now they're closing. >> you got good marks? and you wanted hand lotion? because it's cold, right? >> yeah. >> make sure our hands stay moisturized. >> that's good. >> jimmy: wait a minute. is what i think going on here going on here? what kind of a kid gets rewarded with hand lotion? let's watch that one more time. [ laughter ] >> you just came from where? >> shopping at the only store open on 86th street. my man here did so well on his test he just wanted some hand lotion and we went up and got it. now they're closing. >> let me ask you, you got good marks and you wanted hand lotion? because it's cold, right? >> yeah. >> makes your hands stay moisturized. >> have a great night. >> jimmy: yeah, have a great night. and we have to go find a lock for his bedroom door. that and the lotion.
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or a really weird dad. maybe -- probably both, actually. we have a very big show for you literally, shaquille o'neal is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] one of the greatest players of nba history. also has more nicknames than any player in nba history. shaq diesel, shaq fool, loveshaq, manny shaqiao, baby shaq ribs, shaqty shaq don't talk back, give the dog a bone shaq, shaq old son, the old shaq magic. you name it, he's named it. it was not easy to get shaq here. i had to trade my cow for magic beans, plant the beans, and climb a beanstalk to his home in the clouds to get him. also music from banners. and "how to be single" alison brie is with us. >> hi, jimmy!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're just a little bit early. like -- yeah. >> no, no, i wanted to know if cookies. all the talk show hosts are buying them. >> aren't you a little old to be in the girl scouts? >> jimmy. i'm not selling them, my kids >> jimmy: you have kids? >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: are you sure? >> yes. they're here. they're right here. come on out, kids! there's my girls. >> jimmy: hi, kids. >> my beautiful girls. >> jimmy: these are your -- >> my daughters. >> jimmy: because one of them looks like he's -- >> no, this is a girl. her name is -- lady. >> jimmy: hi, lady. hi, kids. >> lady and other -- other one. >> jimmy: is this your mom? what's her name? >> they just call me mommy. just stop [ bleep ]ing around and buy the damn cookies. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, kids, all right, all right. >> just pie them. >> jimmy: how many did you say ellen bought? >> 400. >> jimmy: oh my god, how much is 400?
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>> jimmy: i only have a $5,000 bill. would you cover this for me, guillermo? >> guillermo: son of a benefit. >> guillermo has your money. >> get the money! >> jimmy: take it easy. i'll see you in a minute. >> got it! >> jimmy: don't take the whole wallet. >> we might still have time to get to dr. phil, come on! >> jimmy: all right, that stunk. it's his birthday! we have to take a break. when we come back there is a vicious twitter feud happening right now between wiz khalifa and kanye west. and also to celebrate guillermo's birthday we went to great expense to build a tequila funnel. this is a funnel that starts on our roof, it runs all the way down to our studio. 432 feet. we believe this is the longest tequila funnel in human history. and when we come back, we will put it to use. we'll be right back so stick
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. still to come, alison brie and music from banners. in the meantime, to celebrate guillermo's 45th birthday today we built -- when i say we i do not mean me, kidd i did nothing for this -- someone here built a 432-foot-long margarita funnel. [ cheers and applause ] it runs up four flights of stairs to our roof. what we're going to try to do is have guillermo pour tequila and margarita mix into the funnel, then run down the stairs and make it here in time to beat the liquid down to have a victory sip for your birthday. >> guillermo: okay. >> jimmy: all right, very good. ready? think you can do this? >> guillermo: i'll try my best. >> jimmy: go to the roof now so you're up there and ready.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's a very good chance that guillermo will die tonight. because if the tequila doesn't kill him, running the stairs will. r. kelly did something strange as he has been known to do. "gq" released a video in which r. kelly sings his life story, unscripted, he just sings the story of his life, for 45 minutes nonstop. i watched the whole thing this morning. well, this is how it starts. coming up in the hood i saw so many things those so many things brought me all of my dreams now here i am here i am today y-y-y-y-y
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minutes. it's unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] amazing. you think about it, believing that anyone would want to hear you sing about your life for 45 minutes isn't much crazier than believing you can fly. the only time you should turn your life story into a song is if you're davy crockett. that's just me. instead of megyn kelly fox news should use r. kelly to moderate that debate. [ cheers and applause ] trump would be okay with that, right? kanye west is in another twitter feud and the good news is this time it is not with me. this time it's a lot to digest but basically what happened was kanye revealed that he was changing the title of his new album for the third time. an album he's already calling the greatest album of all-time. changing it from "swish" to "waves." he tweeted new album title waves.
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said please don't take the wave, max b. is the wavy one, he created the wave, there is no wave without him. max b. is a rapper from harlem who uses the word wavy to describe his style, a singsong style of rapping. and wiz is concerned kanye would co-opt that if he named his album "waves." wiz tweeted, hit this kk and become yourself. now kanye went nuts. because wiz has a kid with kanye's ex, amber rose. kanye assumed kk stood for kim kardashian. he hit back with a string of angry posts, a lot of them. he's like, i can put his wife's initials on my twitter, wiz khalifa, first of all you sole your s from cutty, second your single was corny's f, and most thereafter. wiz responded, kk is weed, fool. reasons why you're not wave, you go back to swiss. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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not know either. kk is a nickname for marijuana. just what marijuana needed, another nickname. but kanye, who didn't know this, was still going off. he tweeted, you have distracted from my creative process. no one i know has ever listened to one of your albums all the way through. then he got personal. you let us a stripper trap you. look at your child and that this girl got you for 18 years. i am your o.g., i will be respected as such. you own waves, i own your child, he says. but then kanye tweets, and this is where it gets weird. he said, i went to look at your twitter and you were wearing cool pants. i screen grabbed those pants and sent it to my style team. #wizwearscoolpants. i guess he realized at this time that kk didn't stand for kim kardashian. i'm happy i know that kk means weed, please excuse the confusion.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he says he came up with waves. all this time i thought it was the ocean that created waves. but i guess not. i do have to believe that tupac and biggie are watching this and saying, you've got to be kidding me. all right, let's go to the roof, guillermo is standing by. he is ready, waiting. tequila and margarita. how much tequila have you already had today? >> guillermo: a lot, jimmy. >> jimmy: tell us what's going to happen here. you pour those in? >> guillermo: before i tell you something, from the bottom of my heart, we've got to get new writers. this is a stupid idea. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, well. as long as you speak from the bottom of your heart. all right, on the count of uno, dos, tres -- load it up! [ cheers and applause ]
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slow down, you're going too fast! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's been training for this his whole life. there he goes. [ cheers and applause ] look how fit, think if you did this every time. all right. whatever this cost us, it was well worth it. here he comes. [ cheers and applause ] this is your version of a half marathon. are you sure you poured it? there it is! [ cheers and applause ] very good. guillermo, everybody! you don't have to drink all of it. you don't have to drink it all. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: happy birthday, guillermo. tonight, music from banners, alison brie is here.
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shaquille o'neal! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by icy hot smart relief tens therapy. turn on smart relief and turn off chronic pain in your back, hips, knees, and shoulders. (stranger) good mornin'! (store p.a.) attention shoppers, there's a lost couple in the men's department. (vo) there's a great big un-khaki world out there. explore it in a subaru crosstrek. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. who knew dates and cashews mashed together could taste likea cookie? you think they'd taste like dates and cashews. nope, cookie. weird.
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thanks for coming. oh, it was $8,000, is funnel? the funnel cost $8,000.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight, from the new movie "how to be single" alison brie is here. then later, making his network television debut, this is his self-titled e.p. all the way from the u.k., banners from the samsung stage. tomorrow night, ewan mcgregor, hannibal buress, and we'll have music from tory lanez. please join us for all of that. by the way my security guard is hammered right now. completely drunk. >> guillermo: only a little bit. >> jimmy: apparently he had trouble at a restaurant called
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we're getting into that. we'll get to the bottom of it. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is a giant in the world of sports -- and a giant really just in the world. he has four nba championship rings on his fingers and a superman tattoo on his arm. watch him on tnt thursdays on "inside the nba." please say hello to shaquille o'neal. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how's it going? >> doing fine, how are you? >> jimmy: doing well, thank you. i feel like you're getting bigger somehow. >> yes, i am. working out. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on guillermo's birthday. did you bring him a gift? did you know it was his birthday? >> no, but i'd like to sing happy birthday to him. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that would be lovely. >> i need the crowd participation.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, this is nice. >> no, no, just relax. happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear guillermo happy birthday to you [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was nice. a little guillermo bongo. >> guillermo, you got a nice ass, baby. hey, that was nice. >> jimmy: that's why we hired him, yeah, yeah. by the way, you know how to throw a party, don't you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have big parties at your house? >> i used to when i was younger. >> jimmy: you used to. you had a big party for your son's birthday. his 16th birthday. >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: how many people were at that party? >> like 300 little screaming
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>> jimmy: 300 kids. chuck e. cheese? at the house? where did you have it? >> somewhere around jefferson's, a little art gallery i rented out, we had food trucks outside, it was awesome. >> jimmy: this is what i really this is your son right here, sharif. >> yes. >> jimmy: this is his birthday you got him a jeep. which is really nice. looks like it's customized. but in addition to the jeep, you also got him a lamborghini. >> that was -- that was more of a academic incentive gift. >> yeah, even though i bought the lamborghini, it's in my garage. the deal is if you get all a's this semester or any semester before you graduate, it's yours. >> what if he doesn't, then whose lamborghini is it? >> when he turns 18 maybe i'll give to it him but probably not. probably after he graduates from college. but it's in the garage, sitting, chilling, relaxing.
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lamborghini? >> i got it specially done for him. >> jimmy: because he is tall as well? >> 6'10" right now. >> jimmy: you're lucky he didn't come out of you, you know? [ laughter ] >> you're right. you're right. >> jimmy: by the way, "inside the nba" i think is not just the best sports show, i think it's one of the best shows on television. [ cheers and applause ] i love watching you guys. i love when you and barkley go at it. who is more right now, you or barkley? >> barkley. >> jimmy: barkley weighs more? >> his middle name is shamu. of course. >> jimmy: and you guys like to give each other -- >> this is all muscle. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> trust me, all muscle. right now i have a 4.9 pack. not a 6 pack. a 4.9. 6 pack is coming. >> you work out every day? >> every day. >> jimmy: sit-ups?
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>> what do you do? >> a lot of weights, swimming. >> do you ever go out and push buildings over that kind of thing? >> i used to. >> jimmy: this lamborghini needs to move! the big nba story this week was blake griffin of the clippers is injured, he's going to be out four to six weeks because he punched his assistant equipment manager in -- i don't know where he punched him. but is that -- have there been dumber -- like in your experience as a player have you heard of anything dumber than that? >> i have. but this is -- i can't tell it on this show. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really, guys we would know -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- getting injured. >> yeah. >> jimmy: they make up a story? >> yeah. >> jimmy: they do? >> big story. i can't even repeat it. >> jimmy: do you think you could -- >> stitches is stitches, you can't do that. >> jimmy: do you think they could keep it quiet now just with the internet and social media? >> these days, no. >> jimmy: these days, no, you have to tell the truth. >> it's very unfortunate.
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on their way. and, you know, he's a superstar player. so whenever things don't go right, the superstar player's the first guy to get blamed. so if they happen not to win, and they won't win this year anyway, even with him on the court. i'm just saying. you know. if they happen to get to a certain point, they don't make it, they're always going to look back at this incident. you know, playoffs, going to the playoffs, it's all about certain positions, certain game. so let's just say they're four games out of second spot, they would have ended up playing denver in the first round, rather than sacramento or somebody. they're going to always go back to the four to six weeks that he missed because he punched somebody. >> jimmy: have you ever punched a guy, like for real? i'm not talking about -- >> yes. >> jimmy: -- like in a boxing ring. >> yes, of course. >> jimmy: this is a guy -- is he still on this planet? >> he's on mars right now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> the movie "the martian." >> jimmy: matt damon? wow. what time do you wake up in the
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i heard -- >> i don't wake up in the morning. >> what time do you go to bed? >> 4:00, 5:00. >> jimmy: 4:00, 5:00 a.m.? every night? >> we get off at 2:30, takes hour to get home, then flipping through the channels, i'm sleeping around 4:00, 5:00. >> jimmy: you have a team of servants that wake you and wash you -- >> no, not anymore. >> jimmy: you don't have any of that stuff? >> no. >> jimmy: why not? why did you give that up? >> different time, i'm retired. >> jimmy: the lakers retired your jersey. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: an honor that is usually only given after you're inducted into the hall of fame. >> right. >> jimmy: which you most certainly will coming up here. when is the hall of fame induction ceremony? >> they say they're going to make an announcement at all-star weekend, so hopefully i'm a big part of that announcement. would be. you absolutely have to be. >> i hope so. >> jimmy: or else somebody's going to get hit again. >> you're right. >> jimmy: have you started thinking about your speech and
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>> no. not yet. >> jimmy: you have not. have you thought about who will introduce you? >> well, if i get picked i will love to have dr. j., magic johnson, and dale brown bring me in. >> jimmy: nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a pretty good group. do you have -- is it like baseball where you have to choose a team? can you choose to go in as a laker? how will you -- will you have to make a decision? >> i've already made my decision. if i'm that good and they invite me or if they say i'm good enough to be in the hall of fame, i'll probably go in as a laker. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like that. now, the lakers have another thing, outside the staples center, there are statues. put those up on the wall. i want to look at these. you can see they've got jerry west, they've got magic, they've got kareem, they've got -- well, i think -- you see what this is right now? what i'm showing you? >> yes.
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this. this is a surprise to you. the lakers asked me to mention it. this is the statue of you they're putting up at the staples center. [ cheers and applause ] >> is it? >> jimmy: yes. >> seriously? >> jimmy: i swear to god. this is not a joke. i swear to god. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's it, that's what it's going to look like. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're playing. i don't believe you. >> jimmy: i'm stupid but i'm not that stupid, believe me. this is for real. i'm not kidding at all. that is an artist rendering of the statue that is going to go up of you outside the staples center. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: for real, i'm not kidding. i imagine there are going to be some profane photographs taken with this kind of a thing. i mean, really. look at me right up here. so congratulations to you on that. that's a pretty big deal. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know you still think
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>> you are. >> jimmy: shaquille o'neal, watch "inside the nba" thursday nights on tnt. we'll be right back, don't go away! i'm going to share a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. that's so interesting honey because i'm going to share a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. l'eggo my eggo l'eggo my eggo (answering machine) hey! leave a message. hi, i know you're there, 'cause i can see you. i'm calling you to tell you to l'eggo my eggo! anncr: some things are too delicious to share. golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles.
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i'm jimmy kimmel. as a talk show host i'm on my feet and in front of my computer
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sometimes my back hurts. >> guillermo: is as a security guard i'm also on my feet all day. it hurts my knees. >> i'm shaquille o'neal. as a former nba player, my whole body hurts. >> jimmy: really? >> really. why do you say really? >> jimmy: well, let's be honest. you weren't exactly sprinting up and down the court. >> guillermo: high five! ha ha ha! ow! >> how about now? are you in pain now? >> jimmy: yes! >> guillermo: i'm in a lot of pain! >> that's why we have icy hot's smart relief tens therapy. right? >> jimmy: yes, right, i'll try it on my back. >> guillermo: me too, i'll use it on my knees. muchas gracias. let us go. >> i'm not done talking. >> jimmy: i'm starting to lose consciousness. >> shut up. this is the same therapy used by doctors. >> jimmy: okay, anything else? >> yes! it stops pain immediately. >> jimmy: all right, can you let us go, please? >> now go use them on your sore back and knees. >> jimmy: all right. >> guillermo: wow, you sure know a lot about pain, mr. shaquille o'neal.
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him shoot free throws, that was very painful. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: ha ha ha! >> dicky: icy hot smartrelief tens therapy. turn on smart relief and turn off chronic pain in your back, hips, knees, and shoulders.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are back. still to come, music from banners. our next guest is a talented actress whom you know from the show "community" and the movie "get hard." she has an informational and entertaining new comedy called "how to be single." it opens in theaters february 12th. please say hello to alison brie. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? be careful, you don't want to slip into the shaq indentation in the couch. >> i feel so small on the chair now. >> jimmy: i know. now i feel like i'm the big one again. >> i should take shaq everywhere with me so then everywhere i go i feel super petite when i walk in.
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>> yeah. >> jimmy: well, yeah. do you want a shot off the margarita funnel? we could load it up, it will take about a minute to come down. >> i think i'm okay. >> jimmy: you don't drink out of funnels? >> happy birthday. >> guillermo: thank you very much. >> jimmy: yeah, he's having a rough night. >> i saw. >> jimmy: we got into some stuff during the commercial break, guillermo's having troubles at home. anyway. are you a drinker yourself? >> i'm not a big drinker these days. >> jimmy: you were at one time? >> i've gone through phases of drinking a lot. definitely when i was in college. >> jimmy: right. >> i opened the door to it. and i studied abroad a bit in scotland. >> jimmy: you did. >> so you have to drink a lot when you're over there. >> jimmy: that's true. >> a general rule. >> jimmy: i've not been over there but it does seem that that is kind of the way. even like on campus? >> oh, yeah. i mean, my first day -- i don't think i started classes yet, and the dean of admissions took myself and the other foreign exchange student into his office and offered us sherry.
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>> the dean. he was so scottish. it just felt right. i mean, and we were sort of very innocent at the time. i sort of remember us looking at each other like, should we? then we felt very refined, like i do, i do always when starting a new school. i'd love a glass of sherry, thank you, sir. >> jimmy: wow, that's crazy. did you enjoy being in scotland? >> i loved it, loved it. aside from the drinking. no, it was just the drinking. >> jimmy: mostly the drinking? >> it was really great. there's a lot of churches that are turned into bars, which is a cool thing. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you don't see that in l.a. >> jimmy: yeah, occasionally you do. occasionally. there is one called the abbey that was an abbey. >> oh, interesting. >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, okay. but a thing you don't see in l.a. which is my favorite thing that i ever saw in scotland was, it was 9:00 a.m., i was walking to school, and i just saw a scottish bagpiper in full garb playing and then just fall over,
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the street. just like a tree branch. it was my quintessential scottish moment. >> jimmy: what could be more scottish than that? >> it was amazing. >> jimmy: did anyone help him? >> no, i ran over to see if he was wearing underwear. under the kilt. it's true, they don't, under the kilt. >> jimmy: just like the song, they didn't wear it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very considerate of you. >> yeah, i thought i'd check it out. >> jimmy: pretty sure that's a sex crime by the way. >> he didn't seem to mind. >> jimmy: in this movie you shot in new york, was that a fun experience for you? >> so fun. >> jimmy: in the city on the streets there? >> it was so fun. i love it. we have such a great cast. it was really great. to shoot in the city, the city never sleeps. >> jimmy: that's what i've heard. >> it was great. we shot a lot. the movie is about dating and single life and we spend a lot of time shooting in bars and late at night. we were constantly surrounded by a lot of drunk people who were genuinely going out and having a good night.
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were asked maybe not to return to our trailers just yet because there was a couple fornicating against them. >> jimmy: oh, against them, okay. >> or maybe like right in front of them. i like to think they were standing. >> jimmy: really? >> leaning against the trailer. >> jimmy: and they felt it would be rude for you to interrupt them? >> yes. they said, let them finish. and we did. >> jimmy: the movie, your character in the movie dates a lot of very horrible guys, right? >> they're not the best, you're right, they're not. >> jimmy: have you had that experience yourself? where you've been on these terrible dates with weird people? >> no. i feel like i'm letting down the movie a little bit. >> jimmy: it's okay. >> i've not been on a lot of bad dates. but i've had a recent stalker. so that's sort of -- >> jimmy: oh, no. really? >> oh, don't like that. >> jimmy: no, no. that's a weird thing to share, yeah. >> it is. do you want to hear about my stalker? >> jimmy: of course i want to hear about your stalker.
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[ laughter ] >> so a few months ago we started having little gifts left on the front lawn of my house. >> jimmy: oh. >> sort of like inside the gate. so there's a gated entry. but within the gate, very specific kind of food, half-eaten food items left. like on this one part of the grass near the front door -- it was a very specific part. i'm not doing it justice. it's a very specific part of the lawn to have something left on. first i thought maybe a hiker just threw their trash over. it would be like baja fresh, or taco bell. >> jimmy: right. >> and sort of just be laying there. at first it was anger in that way. then i thought maybe it was our neighbor who like thinks we don't recycle enough, even though we totally do. but then it started to get even more specific. there would be a whole foods container with just a fork stabbed through the center of it. always in the same place. >> jimmy: that's no good. >> so we debated putting up cameras. but cameras are just so expensive.
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late and just see if we could catch -- i felt like someone was messing with us. it was very annoying. one night i caught him in the act. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yes. so i'd had some groceries delivered. don't worry about it. instacart is a cool thing. they had been -- it's sort of been sitting out. i'd take the groceries inside, i was going through, there were things missing. i was angrily e-mailing instacart. my nuts are missing! >> jimmy: oh, that is -- >> they thought i was sexually harassing them, it was horrible. >> jimmy: didn't know if it was coming from a guy or a girl, it could be terrible. >> did it just fall out of the bag? so i went out front to look. and there he was. standing in the driveway. standing between the little patch of grass that already had food on it and my stairs. and he was about four feet tall, beady eyes. it was a coyote. >> jimmy: oh! [ applause ]
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thought it was going to be. >> jimmy: yeah, but that's -- this sounds bad in a way. >> it was a little dangerous. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> i reprimanded him. >> jimmy: you tell them to go. >> they don't move. i stood there for ten minutes like, it was you! get out of here! what the hell, how dare you! and he wouldn't listen. he charged at me. >> jimmy: right. >> up onto my stairs. i tried to posture and be like, hooh! what i feel like guys are going to do when they get in a fistfight, hooh! >> jimmy: and? >> it did not deter him. i just shut the door. >> jimmy: you did the right thing. >> felt safe in a big house. >> jimmy: wow. you're sexually attractive to coyotes, who would have guessed. >> i know. but now it's okay to have his eyes on me. he hasn't been back. i shamed him enough with my words. >> jimmy: you reasoned with him what is you did. it's very good to see you. i'm glad you survived the scare. alison brie, everybody! "how to be single" opens
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be right back with banners! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. aha! oof! weee! slurp. mmmmmm. cinnamon. milk. cinna-milk. cinnamon toast crunch. crunch! crave those crazy squares.
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concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to shaquille o'neal, alison brie. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first, this is his self-titled e.p., making his late night tv debut with the song "shine a light" banners! ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh light will lead the way will set you free ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 'cause i'm only
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and when the night falls oh, call on me just don't forget to show me some mercy ooh say you're mine ooh take me higher oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me 'cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath
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shine a light on me on me searching for some grace i'll tell you now if i could hear your voice how sweet the sound i'm praying please don't don't let me drown just carry me away to solid ground ooh say you're mine ooh take me higher oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me 'cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath
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shine a light on me ooh ooh ooh ooh oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me 'cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on
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ooh ooh ooh ooh this is "nightline." >> tonight, how social media turned into a gateway to danger for a 13-year-old girl. >> i think that's why she started going to facebook. someone to give her attention and make her feel loved. >> new details from prosecutors tonight about the killing of a virginia middle school student who chatted with her alleged
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