stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, feeling good. oh, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) fantastic. all right, give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. >> jon: yeah, baby! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: jon, did you watch the game tonight? >> yeah, i was checking it out. >> stephen: i hope so because because that's what this entire show is about tonight. what a match-up man, broncos versus panthers. an endangered cat you have to go down to a chinatown betting parlor. and i assume right now, denver fans are celebrating by setting fire to a bunch of cars. ( laughter ) while panther fans are dealing with their grief by setting fire to a bunch of cars. that's actually why so many car commercials air during the super bowl. no matter what happens, you're going to need new cars. ( laughter ) and the broncos-- ( applause ) the broncos-- >> jon: the broncos are serious. >> stephen: they pulled it off with nothing more than the number one defense in football and one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the game, tr

. >> stephen: death? yes. >> stephen: okay. well, we all die. >> right. >> stephen: keep it light. we all die. (laughter) it's a late-night talk show, keep it light. maybe you will die and go to heaven. >> that's where i need help because you're catholic and i'm jewish so we're the same. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, catholics are the jews of christianity. (laughter) (applause) >> so what do you sneed? believe in. >> stephen: what happens when you die? >> yes, i don't want to be a bag of dust! i want to haunt my children! you're marrying who?! you did what?! like that, i want david and laura to be ghosts -- >> stephen: like beetle juice! (laughter) i don't know what happens. i kind of want the perily gates and all that. >> that's what i want! >> stephen: i want classic. give me classic coke heaven is what i want. >> yes. >> stephen: i had a dream that i died and i go to heaven and this really happened, i go to heaven and heaven, instead of crossing the river, you had to cross a really nice hollywood pool and a row boat pulled by dwayne the rock johnson! (applause) (laughter) and all

thank you, humans. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. welcome to the show, everybody. good to have you here! thanks, everybody. qshwelcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it's mardi gras. that means fat tuesday, right? >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: or as it's known in america, tuesday. of course, mardi gras, the last day before the beginning of lent, so catholics like me have a religious obligation to eat and then drink and then plead for god's morsi on "my mouth feels like it's full of ash wednesday." now, jon, you're from new orleans, right? "nawleons," right? am i pronouncing that correctly? >> jon: you got to work on that one. >> stephen: what's the right way to say it? >> jon: new orleans. >> stephen: what do i need to know about mardi gras? what are some of the traditions down there that are real traditions from mardi gras that i need to know about? >> stephen: was the second line what you all were playing. give me a seco

>> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! whoo! hey! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) hello, everybody! (audience chanting stephen) down here, up there, up there, right there, out there! thanks so much, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. shocking news tonight going to get the big celebrity feud everyone is talking about: donald trump versus the pope. happened. the pope is in mexico right now, where he was asked about donald trump's plan to build a border wall. and his holiness said, quote: "a person who thinks only about building walls wherever they may be and not of building bridges is not christian. this man is not christian if he has said things like that." (cheers and applause) then trump's okay because he has not said things like that. he has said exactly that. (laughter) okay. because trump wants to build a

let's get it on. >> stephen: yeah! yeah! oh, yeah! thanks so much, everybody. stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, feeling good. oh, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) fantastic. all right, give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. >> jon: yeah, baby! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: jon, did you watch the game tonight? >> yeah, i was checking it out. >> stephen: i hope so because because that's what this entire show is about tonight. versus panthers. normally, to see a horse fight an endangered cat you have to go down to a chinatown betting parlor. and i assume right now, denver fans are celebrating by setting fire to a bunch of cars. ( laughter ) while panther fans are dealing with their grief by setting fire to a bunch of cars. that's actually why so many car commercials air during the super bowl. no matter what happens, you're going to need new cars. ( laughter ) and the broncos-- ( applause ) the broncos-- >> jon: the broncos are serious. >> stephen: they pulled it off with nothing more than the number one defense in football and one of the gr

. >> stephen: yeah! yeah! oh, yeah! thanks so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, feeling good. oh, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) fantastic. all right, give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. >> jon: yeah, baby! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: jon, did you watch the game tonight? >> yeah, i was checking it out. >> stephen: i hope so because because that's what this entire show is about tonight. what a match-up man, broncos versus panthers. normally, to see a horse fight an endangered cat you have to go down to a chinatown betting parlor. and i assume right now, denver fans are celebrating by setting ( laughter ) while panther fans are dealing with their grief by setting fire to a bunch of cars. that's actually why so many car bowl. no matter what happens, you're going to need new cars. ( laughter ) and the broncos-- ( applause ) the broncos-- serious. >> stephen: they pulled it off with nothing more than the number one defense in football and one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the game, truly

. >> stephen: yeah! yeah! oh, yeah! thanks so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, feeling good. oh, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) fantastic. all right, give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. >> jon: yeah, baby! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: jon, did you watch the game tonight? >> yeah, i was checking it out. >> stephen: i hope so because because that's what this entire show is about tonight. what a match-up man, broncos versus panthers. normally, to see a horse fight an endangered cat you have to go down to a chinatown betting parlor. and i assume right now, denver fire to a bunch of cars. ( laughter ) while panther fans are dealing with their grief by setting fire to a bunch of cars. that's actually why so many car commercials air during the super bowl. no matter what happens, you're going to need new cars. ( laughter ) and the broncos-- ( applause ) the broncos-- >> jon: the broncos are serious. >> stephen: they pulled it off with nothing more than the number one defense in football and one of the great

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: jon, how are you? good to see you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you very much. thanks so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." thanks everybody. hey! hey! i'm stephen colbert. thank you for being here. i'm throwing hand towels to all these people here because they are soaked to the bone. greatest audience in the world, stayed outside for hours in the pouring rain. it is absolutely coming down in sheets. ( cheers and applause ) listen to that! listen to that! ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i mean, it was raining really hard. we let these people in two by two. that's how much it was raining outside. ( laughter ) like that? like that? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, i don't know if you're aware of this but donald trump... ( laughter ) -- yeah. yeah still. he's running for president on the platform of opening his mouth and saying things. the one thing that frequently emerges from the trump hole is... ( laughter ) is the naughty language the vulgarity, the devil's sal

. >> stephen: yes. break it out. >> stephen: you will do one, too. >> at the same time. >> stephen: they're selfies, they're not -- can i get you some duct tape? (cheers and applause) or a -- or a pancho? (laughter) are you cold? no, just want to make sure. i would be cold if i was wearing that right now. okay. so here we go. show me how you do your thing. let me get in there, right? at's my your angle? this is the side. >> are you sure? (applause) >> are you ready? >> stephen: sure, sure. that's beautiful. >> stephen: going on your instagram account? >> i don't know. >> stephen: slap it up there right now. do it. >> is that a threat? >> stephen: no, it's not a threat. >> i'll print it out. >> stephen: no, don't have to. don't do me any favors. (laughter) well, congratulations. >> you, too. comes out tomorrow. sarah mcdaniel, everyone. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) can't get unlimited data for your family? other carriers either don't offer it, or it's to not t-mobile! get three lines of unl

." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's very nice. please, have a seat, everybody. >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." you spoil me. you spoil me. welcome to "the late show." you jon, grace. i'm stephen colbert. did you guys watch the westminster dog show this weekend? i love it. it's like the grammys, but with dogs, and less public urination. and yesterday, they announced the best-in-show winner, a german short-haired pointer named c.j. look at that beautiful dog! ( applause ) finally answering the age-old question, "who's a good boy?" ( laughter ) c.j. is. sorry, all other dogs. it's c.j. right now. now, we would have loved to have had c.j. on the show tonight, but he couldn't make it. he was out all night sniffing butt. ( laughter ) that's a tough hangover. but we do have some special guests tonight. see, we are an office that alowlz dogs, which is kind of and we have some champions of our own that we're very proud of. first up, my producer paul and his dog riley. come on out here! ( applause ) how are you? hey, hey! yeah. okay

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) inspirational. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: thanks, everybody. awfully nice, welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. happy martin luther king day, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) happy martin luther king day. happy martin luther king day. did you get me anything? get me anything, jon? >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: did you get me anything for martin luther king day? i checked under my martin luther king day tree this morning and there was nothing there. >> jon: i tweeted. >> stephen: you tweeted? did you tweet for martin luther king day? >> jon: yeah, i did. >> stephen: what did you say? >> jon: i was like, thank you dr. king. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's good. keep it simple. keep it simple. >> jon: right, straight to the point. >> stephen: yeah, just like king himself. >> jon: king. >> stephe

. >> stephen: what are you? a 4. >> stephen: how do you work at all! (laughter) what size are you, ashley? >> a 14-16, depending on the time of day. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: rhonda being the third person, this is like a shell game. she has a painted-on bathing suit. she's essentially naked. that bathing suit is painted on. you have half a bathing suit and a full bathing suit on. so between the three covers, only 1 1/2 bathing suit there. >> i took mine off. >> stephen: you did? hailey's cover, that's so beautiful. i i had doing just one hand but there is a lot -- (laughter) >> stephen: i understand off charity called alda. >> it means wave in ice lantic. five curvy models started aldawomen.com. we're changing lives of young women, going to different camps letting women know you're worthy and don't let society tell you you're not (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i've done -- i did one "sports illustrated" cover years ago -- (cheers and applause) but i was hoping y'all could teach me how to properly pose on the cover, get into the spirit of it.

>> stephen: oh, yeah! in your last show -- >> we were standing together. i wasn't singing. i was mouthing the words. >> stephen: let's mouth some >> let's do. >> stephen: you have a new book called "united: thoughts on finding common ground and advancing the common good." we are so politically divided how do we find common ground anymore? is my common ground not necessarily yours? can we agree on what is common anymore? >> i think we can more than we know. our differences matter but our country matters more. when you focus on country and patriotism, it necessitates a love of americans. love is not a wimpy word. it's actually a hard, difficult word and it means reaching out. we often have this idea we should just tolerate each other. tolerance is a week start. it just says we should stomach each other's right to be different, if you disappear from bert or worse off. but we as a nation aspired to move beyond tolerance to love, to recognize we need each other and we're our greatest hopes. an old african sayin

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: stop! come on now! what's a man to do. >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: what's a man to do? you know what, folks, thanks so much. i watch the news a lot, i watch the news a lot, and it's becoming increasingly obvious that our politics is a contact sport. it's mano a mano between people who would deport you if you understand the phrase "mano a mano." the candidates are currently battling it out for the genteel voters of south carolina. my home state. oh, how i miss you! i love you! ( laughter ) that's how we all talk down there. i love your peaches! ( laughter ) bernie sanders has been fighting an uphill battle against hillary clinton and donald trump is battling with anyone who makes eye contact with him. which means the only one who's safe is ben carson. and stoking the fires of political discontent is the media. you see, for people on tv conflict is our bred and butter, and america is both gluten and and america is both gluten and lactose intolerant. but we don't care. others must suffer for us to hav

i'm stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) well, there are some big science stories in the news right now. this has been the hottest winter on record. scientists have discovered gravitational waves. but tonight i want to talk about a more important story: horses can read our minds. (laughter) don't panic. they'll know. a new study from the university of sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based on our facial expressions. yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse. (laughter) they never pitch in for the pizza. i won't have it. you know what this means? those central park carriage horses know when i'm now, this shouldn't have come as a surprise to me. i rode horses when i was a kid, and i was always told "don't act skittish around the horse. he can sense it. just try and relax. and erase from your mind the fact that you're standing next to a 2,000 pound creature that will trample your bones at the first sign of weakness." (laughter) the takeaway here is we finally know why

. >> stephen: okay. "collection by michael strahan." i'm going to hook you up, man. >> stephen: could you? yeah. >> stephen: i think two of me could fit inside one of your suits. >> well, you're not going to get ev suit. you will get a suit made just for you. >> stephen: made like this? yeah. >> stephen: some players like cam newton, very flashy style. >> oh, did you see what he wore the other day? >> stephen: those pants were like a magic eye post-er. if you unfocus your eyes, you could see a dolphin playing volleyball in those. >> one thing i learned when i was younger, cam's age, it's like somebody opened up a bag of skittles and said, pick a color. you just chose it and had the worst suits. i'm very conscious to wear something you don't regret in a year or two. there is no way you could get away with that. but, yeah, i do the suits. i love it. i'm in suits six days a week. i know you wear suits quite a bit. >> stephen: i do. what i like about suits is they give me the illusion of a male physique. tha

. >> stephen: death? yes. >> stephen: okay. well, we all die. >> right. >> stephen: keep it light. we all die. (laughter) it's a late-night talk show, keep it light. maybe you will die and go to heaven. >> that's where i need help because you're catholic and i'm jewish so we're the same. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, catholics are the jews of christianity. (laughter) (applause) so what do you sneed? i need to know what to believe in. >> stephen: what happens when you die? >> yes, i don't want to be a bag of dust! i want to haunt my children! you're marrying who?! you did what?! like that, i want david and laura to be ghosts -- >> stephen: like beetle juice! (laughter) i don't know what happens. i kind of want the perily gates and all that. >> that's what i want! >> stephen: i want classic. give me classic coke heaven is what i want. >> yes. >> stephen: i had a dream that i died and i go to heaven and this really happened, i go to heaven and heaven, instead of crossing the river, you had to cross a really nice hollywood pool and a row boat pulled by dwayne the rock johnson! (applause)

floral >> stephen: hoo-hoo. >> hee-hee. >> stephen: hah-hah. that's classy. >> stephen: she who shall not be named. >> the place where i keep my keys. they're safe there. >> stephen: always the last place you look. >> stephen: the chamber of secrets. >> oh, oh dear -- >> the envelope, please. >> stephen: ferngully. >> canyon of heroes. >> stephen: ark of the covenant. >> velour bouncy castle. that's nice >> stephen: mrs. bojangles. >> hurt locker. that's sad. that's dark. >> stephen: tavern on the green. i do like that. sam's club. personalize it. >> stephen: i'm sad to say, i'm not a member. (laughter) >> stephen: "full frontal with samantha bee" premieres this monday at 10:30 on tbs. good luck. you're going to rock it. it will be great! we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the ra

>> stephen: uh-huh. w come myy character gets all the laughs. >> stephen: right. >> "eclipsed" is about women in liberia during the liberian civil war during the rule of charles taylor. >> right. >> stephen: a very serious subject. it's an all-african american production? not only the cast but, like, also the people mounting the production. that's a very significant thing to do on the great white way. >> right! yes spp splashing a little color on the great white way. the beauty of this is it came together-- five women are the cast and they are all african, actually. one is haitian, and the rest are from the continent. and then there's an african, a female director. that's the unusual director. there have been plays in the past with all-women casts and playwrights but not with a director as well so the combination of lisa tommy helming it and myself writing it, that's kind of thing that's really special about it. >> stephen: when this is eventually made into a hollywood movie, what white man would you lik

>> stephen: that was it? yeah. >> stephen: are you still scottish? do you have dual >> yes, you can have it removed. your people are originally from france, i would imagine. >> stephen: no, mine are from ireland. it's sort of fake french, but i'm from>> you changed your name to frenchjt >> stephen: it'sert, but i'm pretentious. >> he said something so deprecating and you went, yea! you guys are jerks!'s your question? >> i was thinking about trump because i thought it might come you know his mother was scottish. >> stephen: i heard that,hat's the (bleep) problem right there! can i say that on cbs now? (cheers and yeah! you can say (bleep) all you want on cbs now! yeah! that's one of the biggestey love it! they love it! >> if i had known that i would have (bleep)ter) but his mother is scottish and you're looking at a man whose mother is scottish and not enen: who tees the greatest scot? >> sean connery, without a doubt. >> stephen: are you guys from the same area.s a east coast-west coast thing. it's a biggie tupac.e a beef? still kick my ass. >> st c

. >> stephen: yeah. you look great. >> stephen: thank you. i'm not saying you don't look good. >> yeah. >> stephen: no, i'm not saying that at all. >> you're rude. >> stephen: not at all. a little bit. >> stephen: not at all. (laughter) >> what do you mean? >> stephen: not at all. it's just playful ribbing. >> is this mine? >> stephen: let's find out. (laughter) >> okay, it's mine. >> stephen: you can have that. want some? thirsty? >> stephen: it's just water. i actually like this look. you look like when you're younger and they give you like the little -- it's just water. did you want something better than water? >> no, that's all right. how long are we going to talk about this? >> stephen: till i get to my joke. >> does it always take this long? >> stephen: it's not a joke. you look ike a street corner jesus. (applause) you do. the movie. "triple 9". >> terrific picture. >> stephen: you're terrific in it. >> thank you. >> stephen: you're welcome. you're suddenly doing so well. >> stephen: i don't understand. we should probably end up fighti

>> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. please! welcome to "the late show." hello, jon! i am your host, stephen colbert. what a beautiful crowd we have here tonight. audience members tonight. they're joining us from the united states coast guard reserve, everybody. please, give them a hand over there. ( applause ) thank you so much for being here. ladies and gentlemen of the coast guard. thank you for dressing up in your dress blues. you look lovely. today is the 75th anniversary of the coast guard reserve, and i'm glad they're here so no one can smuggle drugs in a speedboat through my front row. thank you for your service. thank you for guarding our coasts. so is everybody excited for the weekend? ( cheers and applause ) i am. are you guys going to have fun? i am completely pumped because tomorrow is the democratic prima

>> jon: stephen colbert! ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you, joe! thank you, john! thank you, mark! hey! (cheers and applause) welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) well, there are some big science stories in the news right now. this has been the hottest winter on record. scientists have discovered gravitational waves. but tonight i want to talk about a more important story: horses can read our minds. (laughter) don't panic. they'll know. a new study from the university of sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based on our facial expressions. yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse. (laughter) they never pitch in for the pizza. i won't have it. you know what this means? those central park carriage horses know when i'm depressed -- usually because i'm looking at central park carriage horses. now, this shouldn't have come as

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you. welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. thank so much. please, thanks so much, everybody? >> wow! there's enormous-- there's enormous excitement in the room. this room is like a lit firecracker tonight, my friends. ( cheers and applause ) you can feel it. it's absolutely electric. >> jon: whoa! whoa! >> stephen: it's like a firecracker and it's electric. it's like an electric fire cracker, which i don't believe is legal in new york state. i think one of the reasons-- are you excited? it's a huge night for politics tonight. do you guys realize what's going everybody has been talking about want 2016 election for months now, and i am excited to announce that tonight for the very first time something actually happens. it's the iowa caucus. we have reached the happy ending of america's long and frustrating caucus tease. ( laughter ). >> jon: whoa, whoa! >> stephen: am i allowed to say that? judges, am i allowed to say that? tonig

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hey! thanks so much! welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert. now, a couple weeks ago... thank you so much. i don't know, friday night, wonderful to be here on friday night. here. a couple of weeks ago, if you guys watch the show on a regular basis... do you guys watch the show? ( cheers and applause ) that's good to know. that's good to know. now, i told you a few weeks ago, that scientists at cambridge university in england released a study that said it was scientifically impossible for spider-man to walk on walls. okay, i believe it was a ph.d. thesis on destroying my childhood. why do you want to hurt me, cambridge? why destroy my dreams? ( laughter ) given a scalpel, would you dissect a rainbow? ( laughter ) that was hard. that was hard to read. ( cheers and applause ) that was hard to read. it was almost as disappointing as when they realized that study proving that, for hawkman to fly to poop like a bird. i'm just saying, batman, be careful where

. >> stephen: what? >> absolutely. >> stephen: what are you talking about? >> in all cultures in all legends of bigfoot, whether you call him bigfoot, sasquatch, or his given name, craig bigfoot, he is always described as a shy, retiring creature, afraid of confrontation who just wants to you put a v-neck on bigfoot, you have jeb bush. >> stephen: jeb's making a comeback. jeb's making a comeback. think about the tooth fairy. the tooth fairy is only seven inches tall. he has one weapon against her, and it's very large. it's his foot. he steps on her, she's dead. she's only the length of a piece of beef jerky. and he will snap off her head like biting into slim jim. >> i get it, the tooth fairy is small and magical and everybody loves her because she comes into your room at night and takes a disgusting piece of your body that has fallen out of your head and gives you money. >> stephen: that's exactly right. >> nobody asks why? what's her agenda? why has she been sneaking into our children's room night after night taking samples of their d.n.a.? >> stephen: i'm

>> stephen: yes. the winter was so incredible.s thought chicago was founded by lasalle or whoever that person was, got there in late april and said, this is lovely, burn the wagons. and 4th, they're, like, where are the wagons? we're so screwed. >> it's intense. >> stephen: fred, i need yourstick around? >> yes. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more fred armisen. (cheers and applause) ) emember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. tensify) get out there, in the 2016 ford escape. this is my fight song take back my life song (music) nd t-mobile... whoa, whoa, whoa. listen, folks. i have to apologize, again. look, those were last years numbers. it says right here on the card.re lte coverage in the last year. and with more lte towers than verizon, t-mobile reaches pretty much everyone they do. taking responsibility on this one... uh-uh, verizon got it wrong... yes! not me! hed. sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you me