stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome my friends. if i'm not mistaken, you sound like an angel chir calling me to destiny. you know me, i try to keep a low profile. ask anybody who subscribes to the stephen colbert 24/7 low profile web cam. (laughter) for some reason the media is the-- recently it because of ppps recent presidential p- p-p-poll. jim? >> according to a recent poll five percent of south carolina primary voters would pick colbert more than would pick jon huntsman. >> colbert narrowly trails perry. >> stephen colbert is shooting up to 5%. >> colbert is ahead of jon huntsman. >> i was reading that stephen colbert would do better in south carolina than jon huntsman. >> steen: yes, i am officially beating jon huntsman in south carolina. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you creche. -- very much. proving what i have always said, if voters want a different version of mitt romney, they can

okay. >> steve, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much, thank you, gentlemen. you know i love it. folks, you know i love it. but we've got to get going. i'm sorry, i've got a rally in south carolina tomorrow and i've got to make a plane. in fact, this is actually a free tape and i am at the airport right now and they just called my flight. >> ladies and gentlemen, now boarding zone 2. >> stephen: zone 4 [bleep] well, at least i can finish my cinnabon-- sin a:-- (laughter) hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. (laughter) all right. that that sped things up. now let's get to the big stories. first up, rick perry has dropped out of the race to spend more time getting leathery. (laughter) and in a shocker, mitt romney who called his back-to-back wins in iowa and new hampshire historic just had to revise history. >> breaking news this morning coming out of eye watch. the iowa gop is now saying that upon a-- pun a full count rick san tore-- santorum was the winner, not mitt romney. >> stephen: first mitt romney won then he lost. classic romney flip-flop. meanwhile santorum has his o

stephen, stephen, stephen stlaechl en, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. yes, folks. folks, thank you so much. welcome to the show. good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen, please. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, colbert superpac is officially back. and guess-- i feel t i feel it tomorrow is january 31st. when of course we'll all be celebrating black history month eve waiting for frederick douglass to come down the chimney and fill our stockings with guilt. but tomorrow is also the deadline for all superpacs to at last file their financial-disclosure reports with the federal election commission. up until now we didn't know who was funding these superpacs. the great day for transparency because tomorrow voters in iowa, new hampshire, south carolina and florida will finally have the vital information that would have been useful before they voted. (laughter) >> stephen: now we, we at colbert superpac have properly filled out all the actual paperwork which we will

see stephen yell. yell, stephen, yell. and rick santorum takes fire from the left. he might want to a kevlar sweater vest and my guest makes his seventh appearance on the show. one more and i'll let him talk. a dentist used paper clips in a root canal. so that is what he has been doing. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, everybody. welcome to the report. thank you for coming. thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, we've got to get to it. folks begun everybody knows it's january 24, 2012, day two of what some are calling the colbert super pac hostage crisis. [ laughter ] last night i ended my bid to be president of south carolina. and i offered to pay back colbert's superpac from its evil step father jon stewart. but jon refused and flew off in his zeppelin cackling. i cannot imagine how scared my money must be right now. nation, won't you comfort my money by second it more of itself. go to colbert

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, very nice. you guys are fantastic. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: for a second there there was-- there was competing time zuringts going on there for a second. 441, please sit down, everybody. thank you so much for coming. nation, it is day four of the colbert superpac hostage crisis. jon stewart will not give it back to me and seal team 6 won't answer my calls. won't you go to colbert superpac.com and give generously. because i'm going to get it back. and we are so close to a very big number which i will reveal on monday night's show. or on say who wants to be a millionaire. meanwhile folks, big republican debate tonight in florida. it is the 19th of the season. one more and they win a free debate. there are only five days left right now until the florida primary. romney and gingrich are neck and neck. well, neck and -- -- (cheers and applause) amphibian display pouch. i'm not going to lie to you, m itt is in trouble. a recent poll found that 61% of people said mitt romney will say anything

come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, my brothers. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you my friends. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, i hope you all had a great weekend. i sure did. down in my home state of south cackalacky. more on that shortly. but first let's get to the primary. newt gingrich crushed mitt romney on saturday. after disappointing showings in iowa and new hampshire, newt's campaign looked terminally ill which is generally when he moves on to something better. (laughter) now newt, newt triumphs with 40% of the vote to mitt romney's 28%. a gap so wide you could fit newt's head in it. (laughter) and gingrich sealed his victory in last week's debate by going after america's most dangerous enemy, debate moderators. first on monday he laid the smackdown on juan williams. >> speaker, gingrich, you recently said black americans should demand jobs, not food stamps. can't you see that this is viewed at a minimum as

>> stephen: really. >> yes. >> stephen: give a mouth a cookie." >> mmeh. >> stephen: you shouldn't give a mouse a cookie. >> you should open the door saying "get the hell out of my house." >> stephen: curious george? >> great. >> stephen: i don't believe in monkeys in the house either. >> you don't like it? >> stephen: no, they throw their feces. the monkey will bite your face off. >> they won't do that. >> stephen: he could have at any moment. have i changed your mind on "curious george?" >> stephen:. >> . >> stephen: so you're in favor of children getting their faces chewed off. "girl with a dragon tattoo?" >> isn't that an adult novel? >> stephen: that's prejudiced of you. someone who's been so ghettoized in their work would say a child couldn't read a book about murder and say doe mast masochism. >> you trapped me. you trapped me. zed. >> stephen: check mate, sir. >> you're wrong but you trapped me. >> stephen: am i? so other people can be pigeon holed but you can't do that to maurice sendak. that's a crime. >> how about that. i deserved that. >> stephen: double standard much? let's

. >> hello, stephen. good to see you again. >> stephen: great to see you, amman damp >> i'm rachel. >> stephen: yes, you are. rachel, last night was the iowa caucus. the national media is reporting that mitt romney won by eight votes, but you know the network boys. sometimes they can screw the pooch on the local story. does that line up with what you're seeing on the ground? >> yes, mitt romney won by eight votes. >> stephen: that's an exclusive confirmation from an actual iowan. mitt romney wins yesterday's caucus. so, amman dark what can we expect from today's caucus? >> there is no caucus today. >> stephen: i see. when is the next one? >> in four years. >> stephen: okie doak. so caucus isn't the only story. what else is cooking in the greater des moines metro plex? >> stephen, our top story tonight, the west branch city council is considering a proposed rule that could limit recording of city council meetings. >> stephen: whoa-ho, secrecy at the highest levels of local government. what do you think the

>> stephen: andy! how are you? andy cohen, everybody. from bravo. >> stephen. how are you? i came as soon as i heard. >> stephen: i'm fat. >> no, you're not. no, no you're not. >> stephen: you always know what to say. anyway, here's the thing. >> tell me. >> stephen: i don't know about this guy mitt, who is coming on to me so hard. [laughter] >> wait, mitt, is that this big shot private equity guy? >> stephen: yeah, i mean, he's stable and he's got great hair. >> how is he, you know, behind the podium? >>>> stephen: actually, he's a it will boring. >> kind of stiff? >> stephen: yeah, and not in a good way. [cheering and applause] >> oh, my god. >> stephen: look. what were we talking about? >> i have no idea. >> stephen: seriously, andy. everyone says he's the best i can do, but he's good, no great. >> sounds like half my orgasms. do you want my advice? >> stephen: yes. >> when you know, you know. >> that waiter just earned himself a tip. >> stephen: uh-huh. andy, i think he deserves more than just a tip. >> you are so, so bad. >> stephen: i am. >> stephen, that incredibly h

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. good to have you with us. and a merry christmas, nation. and it is about damn time, i got to say. so far this year i have really been letting christmas down. it's my last week of shows before our christmas break and i have been soarly remiss in my bell jingling, my yule logging and my angel harking so i'm making up for it tonight. i'm cramming a full advent's worth of cheer on to my set. jimmy let's deck my halls, buddy boy. all right, look at all this good stuff. (cheers and applause) i got a great deal-- i have got a great deal on all this stuff. the trick is you take one thing from each lawn you pass on your way to work. now first i've got my wreath down here and of course my christmas balances. actual size. and over there i've got my three wisemen, melthior, balthazar and abominable. of course you remember the true meaning of the season. i have a nativity scene with my peabody where the baby jesus would be. but i want to stress this is accurate to what the manager would look like if jesus had won a peabody

(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: very nice. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you brothers and sisters. welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. please. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you. folks good to have you with us. nation t is the eve of the new hampshire primary. when the folks in villages of dixville notch and fiddler's chris and pinkler's sack exercise their constitutional right toned the primaries before the rest of us can vote. now this weekend just to grease the voting skids, the republicans held not one, not one again, but two presidential primaries. the party kicked off saturday night with the abc yahoo! wmur red lobster all you can eat opinionfest. now when i watch any debate obviously i play one of those drinking games. but i knew there were two debates this weekend so to take it easy, i took a shot only when someon said the word contraception. >> con traception, contrasense, contraception, contrasense. >> contrace

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much, nation. folks, thank you so much. please, please, as much as i would love to sit here and listen to you chant my name we have got to get to the big story, me. you see, on thursday in response to leading jon huntsman, 5% to 4% in a major poll i announced the formation of an exploratory committee for a possible run for the president of the united states of south carolina. (cheers and applause) that announcement has completely changed the complexion of this race. it has gone from linen to egg shell. and today it just got a little off whiter, jim. >> today our campaign for the presidency ends, but our campaign to build a better and more trustworthy america continues. >> stephen: folks, do you see what has happened here? the mere possibility that i might run for president blew jon huntsman all the way back to the land's end catalog he came from. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good. ag

nation, the deal -- >> stephen -- stephen-- . >> stephen: no you were a little late. the gop presidential race is heating up, romney and santorum tied in iowa, perry soldiering on. and michele bachmann dropping out to spend more time fiercely staring at her family. and folks, i am psyched. because we've got ourselves a good old-fashioned gop horse race. after his surprise photo fin anybody iowa, rick santorum is the new gop golden boy. which explains why ron paul has tried to stamp him into coins. just one day since the caucuses, santorum raised a million dollars or as rick perry calls it, five iowa votes. for the santorum surge just got real, ladies and gentlemen. because he has caught the notice of the most influential voice of the 19th century, george will. who published a pro santorum op ed entitled suddenly a fun candidate. (laughter) >> stephen: fun! and if anybody knows fun it's george will. after all, a bow tie is just a necktie that's doing this. (laughter) now listen, listen to will explain all the fun, quote sporktsing aromney still seems to many like a dut

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> stephen: folks, i love an obedient mob. folk, i think we'll all remember where we were when we found out that donald trump would not be hosting his republican debate. (laughter) >> stephen: i was eating a porterhouse the size of a minifringe. once again, i immediately stepped if in to console a grieving nation, by announcing stephen colbert south carolina serious classy republican debate. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and now-- i don't blame you. and now everyone who is anyone wants in on it. it is the biggest a list celebrity magnet since drought. case in point, last night natgeo wild jumped in begging me to host a debate on their chan well an edible arrangement, okay. i love natgeo wild, nothing but high defer footage of zebras fighting antelope, cheetahs fighting rhino, all in the buff but it is natgeo so it is tasteful. these are smart guise. they know how hugely massive this debate going to be. and to prove how mu

. >> stephen: you had a green card at shower in >> yeah. >> stephen: what was your special skill? being adorable? in michigan, that is mitt romney's home state. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: he's going to take that? it's going to be a good old-fashioned... >> no! no! mitt romney came to michigan and while we were on our knees he stabbed us in the back. he wrote an op-ed in the "new york times" and the headline was "let detroit go bankrupt." >> stephen: here's why i think mitt romney is going to take michigan no matter what you say. because his name is the shape of your state. (laughter) bachelorette number one, thank you so much for joining us today. (cheers and applause) governor, the book is "a govern uh, i'm in a timeout because apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment! luckily though, ya know, i conceal this bad boy underneath my blanket just so i can get on e-trade. check my investment portfolio, research stocks... wait, why are you taking... oh, i see...solitary. just a man and his thoughts. and a smartphone... with an e-trade app. â

. >> stephen: you had a green card at shower in >> yeah. >> stephen: what was your special skill? being adorable? in michigan, that is mitt romney's home state. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: he's going to take that? it's going to be a good old-fashioned... >> no! no! mitt romney came to michigan and while we were on our knees he stabbed us in the back. he wrote an op-ed in the "new york times" and the headline was "let detroit go bankrupt." >> stephen: here's why i think mitt romney is going to take michigan no matter what you say. because his name is the shape of your state. (laughter) bachelorette number one, thank you so much for joining us today. (cheers and applause) governor, the book is "a govern (cheers and applause) well, that's it for the "report," everybody. before we, go i want to remind you that jennifer granholm's new show "the war room" debuts ja