. >> >> ron paul 2012! (laughter and applause) >> stephen: yes! ron paul! ron paul has locked up the coveted (bleep) faced vote. (laughter) this could be huge for him. if these guys drive to the polls on election day provided they don't first plow into a farmer's market. and this guy is an eloquent mouthpiece for libertarian ideas. >> do you know what the... >> i'm telling nobody. i don't care what you're saying. what's the legal limit of hurting somebody? >> yeah, the legal limit is just more nanny state regulations. this was a victimless crime. no one got hurt because legally a liver is not a person! (laughter) so congratulations, ron paul, your ship has finally come in. but i wouldn't let this guy drive it. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight has a nobel prize. big deal. all my guests do. (laughter) please welcome al gore. (cheers and applause) mr. vice president, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) what an honor

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes. and ron paul, you should dress up as merlin. now. let into gold, lead into gold. now basing all your laws on 13th century english treaties sits moderate new hampshire-- fits moderate new hampshire but south carolina is next so they're going want to go back even further. south carolina is a big military state so newt gingrich try citing roman lawmaker cato the elder speeches against cartaage i think we stand with vipio africannus to help hannibal in crossing the all s and impose sanctions to keep parthian from acquiring parky determine technology. and rick santorum when you get to florida, are you going to want to pitch your replacement for obama care so go all the way back to the babylonian code of hamarabbi. an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth that covers both vision and dental. of course, as the primaries go on the candidates will need to cite older and older stuff like cave paintings and whatever was in the pockets of octi the iceman because when are you a republican candidate the only way to lead america not future is by tying

ron hubbard, the founder was on the run and he had a scientology navy. they sailed around the mediterranean and in the caribbean. >> stephen: is that why he dresd like thursdayton howell iii? [laughter] there's one thing i admire about him, lrh as we call him. he did not believe in paying taxes and neither do i. [laughter] he got in trouble for not paying taxes. how did he get out of it? >> well, he died. [laughter] >> stephen: that's the ultimate escape. >> that's right. [ laughter ] yes, but -- his successor david miscavige by 1993 scientology owed $1 billion in back taxes and they didn't have it. they had to get a tax exemption. they launched a lawsuit against the irs. they put private investigators on agents to see who drank too much, who was foolg around on the road. whatever the merit of the case was, those lawsuits were dropped. >> stephen: they got be officially in a religion and they dropped 24 lawsuits. >> exactly and called off the private investigators. >> stephen: one of the other things that appeals to me about scientology is that they are

it is the only reason i know that the ongoing war in syria is gay ron paul 2012. now fox, fox built its commenting army from the ground up and also out of the thin air down. because one former staffer recalled using 20 different aliases to post pro fox rants. another had 100. i mean they had to do that. fox news's actual audience can't go on the internet. they still call it that rock 'n' roll telegram. but of course that was all bloc postings. these days people get their news via the twitter bird and fox can't police the twateverse by themselves. so folksing i'm stepping in. one of my writers rob dubin whose name is specifically not supposed to be in this script, designed a twitter algorithm to pick up where fox news left off. introducing@realhumanpraise twitter's premier source for legitimate reviews from 100% people. as assembled by both. here is how it works. every two means@real human praise takes a positive film review from rotten tom tom and swaps in the names of beloved fox news shows and personalities. for instance, this one used to be a positive review fo

. >> stephen: if romney wins on saturday, should newton and ron paul an perry and santorum get out of the race? >> they're going to have to very soon because the money will dry up. >> stephen: for the good of the party? >> i think in some ways debates are good. >> stephen: yes or no, should they get out? >> i think that i would like to see this over as rapidly as possible and allow romney to start competing for the votes of the american public as a whole and not just to the small part of it that takes part in republican primaries. >> what about third-party candidates? in the same poll, in a three-way race, i would get 13% running as an independent. [cheering and applause] >> i've be thinking a lot about your speech at the tampa convention. >> i have, too. >> and i think... >> stephen: i think they owe me at this point at least like a 3:00 a.m. spot. >> you've locked down the republican base. i think we need to broaden your appeal to moderates and independents. >> stephen: should i just pretend i believe things i don't so i can win like romney? [cheering and applause] >> don't you do t

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has give an new book about modern parenting also known as the ipad. please welcome jennifer senior. (cheers and applause) hey, jennifer. good seeing you. thanks lot for coming on. you're contributing editor of new york magazine, regular contributor to the "new york times" book review. you got a new book making a bit of a splash called "all joy and no fun, the paradox of modern parenting." what do you mean all joy and no fun? where's the joy and what's the fun supposed to be? >> (laughs) i'm going to flip those around. >> stephen: okay. >> so in terms of saying that there's no fun it's because there's a lot of drudgery in parenting, maybe a little bit of boredom. >> stephen: is that supposed to be news? (laughter) the point of parenting is that you have -- >> it's to be bored. >> stephen: you sacrifice for them until they have their own children and then you say "anything you want to say to me?" (laughter) "how about an apology?" >> it's totally true. and they're ingra

. >> stephen: millions of people. and that's just his make-up team. now, unfortunately jon huntsman, ron paul and mitt romney have all said they would not appear at his t debate, so trump's debate is going down his gold-plated crapper. so to fill the enormous void, last night i announced that i would be hosting stephen colbert's south carolina serious classy republican debate. [cheering and applause] yes. i'll join you. i'll join you on that one. i deserve it, don't any i deserve that a little bit. and folks, folks, it's happening. we're doing it. we have set the state in stone. some time in january. okay. let's get that stone. okay. it's going to be on animal planet. they haven't returned my calls yet, but they're busy. it's wallaby week, the wallaby, of course, the greatest marsupial ever to hop the face of australia. sorry, kangaroo, you're yesterday's news. the point is animal planet, call me or don't. i got a million other networks interested, bet, oxygen, cinemax, that's right, all the g.o.p. candidates nude in the champagne room putting them on

there's poppa ron, son rand and of course cousin ru. laugh 4r56 who-- (laughter) who has a strong-- who has a strong conservative message. (laughter) >> you better work. (applause) >> stephen: you, a clear call toned the welfare state. now we all know at the senator paul has been appealing to minority notes using a radical strategy of being appealing. >> so what i would have said is people who seek the american dream are not bad people. some people perceive it that way and that's a perception we do have to change. >> i'm for a very expansive work visa. if you want to come to our country or one of 191 million that are here, i'm for giving awe a work visa. >> the door's to the going to open up to the african-american community or hispanic community until we have something to offer. >> stephen: he's right. republicans have to offer his panning and african americans something. for instance, anything. (laughter) but to win the nomination paul still needs conservative voters. and there's solutions to immigration range from deportation to blue

. >> stephen: yes! j.k. rowling finally admited what we readers have known all along. harry and hermoine are perfect for each other! you don't need a sorting hat to figure that out. it's as clear as the chemistry between dumbledore and voldemort! (laughter) that who must not be named-- their love. (laughter) well, j.k., i demand you give us the ending we deserve with a new book "harry potter and the realization he's made a huge mistake." (cheers and applause) in this one harry turns his back on his wife and kids and has an affair with hermoine at the hogsmeade best western. it goes down in room 414-3/4. let's just say that's not moaning myrtle. (audience reacts) harry and hermoine needs to get together. don't worry about ron, he'll be final. it's fall the final book "ron weasley and the studio apartment of shame." (laughter) ron goes on fantastic adventures with his new best friend-- a bottle of tequila and a futon found on the curb. (che(che right back. 2(áááááááááá (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has give an new b

. >> stephen: yes, weenies! [ laughter ] pink, plump and with just little bit of sphincter. [ laughter ] guys, you know i love you, but it was embarrassing, especially wisconsin senator ron johnson. jim, roll the footage of hillary stomping ron's johnson. >> no, again, we were misled that there were supposedly protests and that something sprang out of that-- an assault sprang out of that-- and that was easily ascertained that was not the fact, and the american people could have known that within days and they didn't know that. >> with all due respect, the fact is we had four dead americans. was it because of a protest or was it because of guys out for a walk one night who decided that they'd they go kill some americans? what difference at this point does it make? it is from my perspective less important today looking backwards as to why these militants decided they did it than to find them and bring them to justice, and then maybe we will figure out what was going on in the meantime. >> okay, thank you madame se

right, ron williams. >> this is a huge game going on here. the chamber of commerce, they know that it's a big joke. they say wall street is in on the joke. wall street knows it's a joke. >> stephen: yes, wall street loves jokes. remember that last prank they pulled with the mortgage market? (laughter) >> stephen: knock, knock,. who's there? get out of your house. the bank is foreclosing. racoons live here now. (applause) >> stephen: i guess you had to be there. literally you had to. it was global. it affected everybody. and now, republicans can say one thing to wall street. and the complete opposite to the tea party at the exact same time. because to one of those groups, they are talking out their ass. but don't tell me which one, i'm tivoing the end of the economy. (laughter) folks, as much as i want to talk about the debt ceiling, and i do, you know who wants to talk about the debt ceiling even more? new york congressman anthony weiner. (laughter) >> today i want to talk about the debt limits. >> let me make a point about-- the debt limit.

and on my last day before retirement and pie guest star rena ron ofski is the director of a new film about noah ark, it is the tragic sequel to we bought a zoo. raised the speed limit to 80 miles an hour. now you can get out there of even faster this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: right there. is this it, is this were-- welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. >> steveen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation-- (cheers and applause) thank you so much. right through the uprights. thank you. nation, thank you, please, sit down, everybody. nation, if you have been watching the news, and i hope you have been, vladimir putin takeover of crimea is a sobering reminder that we cannot trust the subans unless they have a scottish accent. and folks, things just went from bad to borscht. >> we learned that it included taking ukraine's combat dolphin, that's right, the dolphins like the ones pec tured here, they were trained by the ukrainian navy to attack enemy tar

i mean ron paul got traction. i mean a pizza magazinenat got traction. a fat man with orange skin got traction. why didn't you get traction? >> you know, i hate to go down a cubbee hole here but i was excluded from the debates because i didn't have a certain showing in polls where my name didn't appear in the poll. >> stephen: so you didn't register 2% in stand in polls but your name was also not included. >> not included. that's a tough audience. >> that si a tough one to crack. i think my message is the same as ron paul. i don't think ron paul is going to get the republican nomination. so what happens to this message when he ends up getting out of the race? i think this is important for america. i think really addressing the issues that this country is facing, fiscal issues, balancing the federal budget and then on the social side, the notion that we should and are socially tolerant. >> stephen: . >> keep government out of the bedroom. >> stephen: okay. now are you presently, are you presently in straw bolls leading on the libertarian side, correct? >>

(laughter). >> stephen: how about ron paul? very fashion gnat following there. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. ooh! >> stephen: newt gingrich. >> ugh. ugh. hmm. >> stephen: rick perry. >> huh? >> stephen: perry! >> oh! (mumbles). >> stephen: so you're not excited about any of the candidates? >> well, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. >> stephen: well, i'll let you get to the caucus. good luck deciding who will be the next president of the united states. >> (sighs) yeah. (cheers and applause) all right, evidently the iowa voter is a poor predictor of what the iowa voter will do but ladies and gentlemen i am still committed to making a definitive call on this race based on little or no evidence leaving me only one sure fire journalistic alternative, psychic invertebrates. now, you may remember paul the octopus who correctly pick sod many winners who n the 2010 world cup. unfortunately, paul died in 20 2010. our thoughts and lemon wedges are with him. but, nation, it stands to reason that other mollusks like paul have clairvoyance so determine-to-determine the winner of the 2012 republica